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Monday, 13 June 2011

Back off buster! You are oh so married!

It's not often that I go out to socialise, perhaps once a month or so given the current financial situation, so when I do venture to the local pub I do so with the only intention of having a couple of drinks, more than a couple of dances and to have a right royal good time.  Our local pub (name witheld for good reason) is fantastic.  It's a pokey little sports club that is locked firmly in the 80's where the patrons range from their mid to late 30's to geezers that have been going there for so long that their bar chairs have been firmly moulded to their butts.  The prices are reasonable and the music is awesome - I would venture to say that it is probably the only pub that plays such music as the owner is a huge fan of 80's high energy and disco and I supply all his music.

My one and only gripe is the onslaught of married men when my mate and I walk in.  Neither one of us is drop dead gorgeous, perhaps we border on the attractive side, but certainly nothing that would turn your head twice.  Neither one of us has any interest at this point in getting involved and if it was going to happen it would not be with Mr Married 1, Mr Married 2 or any of the other Mr Marrieds out there.

What gets to me is the total disregard for their wives on their part.  They all wear rings, so they're not even trying to hide the fact that they're married.  And hoo boy - mention the ring and the well rehearsed lines about unhappy marriages, complaining wives etc. fall expertly... on deaf ears.

Mr Married, I have no doubt that the reason that your wife complains all the time is because you're never home - you're at the pub.  I can say with absolute certainty that the reason your marriage is unhappy is because you choose to make it so by not being where you should be - at home with the wife and kids.

To Mr Married who dropped his pants in the middle of the pub to show off his package - seriously dude, what little you had to display was not a very good advertisement for someone wanting to get laid.  I've seen bigger worms crawl out of rotten apples... oh, and this little fact is probably a contributing factor to your wife's unhappiness.

To Mr Married who thought that a wad of cash being flashed each time you opened your wallet was going to get you in the door - I am an independent woman who is more than capable of buying her own drinks.  Why don't you rather use it to take your kids and wife for a meal or a weekend away.  That would most certainly make your marriage a little happier.

And to Mr Married who found it impossible to believe that my friend and I were NOT together, NOT in a relationship with each other and NOT sleeping with each other because we fobbed him and every other Mr Married off, I have this to say to you:
  1. Since you do not understand women at all (clearly), you are forgiven for not understanding that women can have a deep and sincere friendship without being "into" each other.  If convincing yourself that the reason they don't welcome your advances is because they're gay allows you to sleep easier when you get home, carry on friend. 
  2. Since you are a man, I fully understand your need to hit on anything vaguely resembling a woman in much the same manner that a dog feels the need to lift his leg against every tree and fire hydrant that he comes across.  The fundamental difference is that at least the dog (the four legged one, that is) gets to relieve himself.  Sadly, you are destined to chase your tail.
  3. Thank you for showing your true colours once you realised you were not going to get anywhere with either one of us.  Your ability to turn from charming to pure ugly in such a short space of time was truly amazing, and I say this with sincerity.  The only purpose it served was fair warning to side step you at every opportunity in the future.
To all the Mrs Marrieds out there - fear not when we are around, your husbands are safe as they fill every possible criteria on the "not to have" list.  If you would like to see just how unattractive your husband is whilst desperately trying not to spill his drink as he sways back and forth and attempts to convert a cross eyed, droopy lidded leer into something of a sexy look, you are more than welcome to join us for a drink.

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